CASH FOR HAGS: In 2024 under the dictatorship of O-Banana Care gambling, prostitution and drugs have been legalized and the intemperance treatment crises has been resolved. President Kander Bluff of the Nationalist Lunatics Anonymous Cult has now turned her attention to solving the ultimate problem – The OHC – ‘Old Hag Crisis’ also referred to as “Switch A Bitch.” After lengthy consultation with her close advisers, the President has unveiled her “Cash for Hags” program. With broad bipartisan support, and modeled after the successful “Cash for Sex” program, the deal offers any married man $8500 to replace his current old hag wife and marry a girl between the age of 16 to 18. The government controlled banks might have already foreclosed on your house but, you will still be comfortable with your young bride sleeping in your new car which you purchased under the “Cash for Clunkers” program back in 2009. To qualify your wife for relocation in the OHC program there are certain requirements that she must meet. (1) She no longer wants to be seen with you and she no longer talks or listens to you. (2) Her white thighs are now a road map of varicose veins and she doesn’t want to have your 8th child. (3) - (a) (b) (c) (h) she refuses to buy your beer or feed your dogs. Every time she sneezes, coughs or laughs she leaks and her exhaust pipe backfires and stinks. Her headlights are pointed towards the ground. Her rear end is dragging and she has more defects than a Conch cruiser. She has spent enough money on implants, tucks and lifts which you could used to purchase a new super turbo powered truck or boat. With passing of the 2016 OHC bill thousands of young females currently in desperation crises mode will be taken off the market, making the even younger girls available for the all the married men on Big Pine Key. There has been a 460% increase of young single female illegal immigrants since the passing of the “Cash for Babies” and automatic citizenship program started in 2013. In addition, the anticipated surge of engagements, weddings, receptions and liquor sales with this initiative will hopefully jump start and stimulate the stagnant local economy. With increased spending on recycled wedding dresses, liquor, shorts and sandals, wine, more beer, weed, more booze and other necessary expenditures Big Pine Key should be a quieter place to live. President Bluff has successfully resolved a crisis that many experts have spent so many years trying to solve proving true once again her campaign slogan “Switch a Bitch” is truly a great socialist program. On Big Pine Key, the popular OHC program will continue in a different form as sober good looking females are still a rare commodity in the area: starting tomorrow all the local dealers will be requesting "cash for grass" under this great OHC program. Under the “Switch A Bitch” program all the Old Hags turned in for cash will be relocated to the newly constructed government controlled Hags Housing Complex in the frozen Yukon tundra. The old hags should be able to adjust quickly to the climate as they were already frigid when shipped off. They will live there until the O-Banana Death Panel squad, created back in 2010 under the National Heath Care plan, decides when they should die. As with all socialist government programs some fraud is expected. A certified copy of your current marriage license or a copy of your divorce decree will be required to participate in the “Cash for Hags” program…

When I purchase lobsters from any fish market they are already dead so I don’t have to give any thought about their execution. I can concentrate on preparation and presentation. It’s the same way when I purchase chicken or steaks. They have already been slaughtered and butchered. Reading all the posts about how to cook a lobster in a humane way is ludicrous. If you think about how people talk about putting their pets down that is like putting icing on horse shit. They will say something like they had Fluffy put to sleep because she was old and suffering. Pooch was on his last legs so we had him euthanized. Kitty was suffering from some type of terminal heart disease. Why don’t they just speak the truth? They should state “We had Fluffy/Pooch/Kitty executed by lethal injection.” The pet injected is conscious without being able to move or speak, thus giving the impression of serenity or tranquility. The injection gives a false impression of serenity to its loving owners, making execution by injection more palatable and acceptable to the pet’s masters. The family pet died from “chemical asphyxiation.” Just remember that you are also getting old and soon will be on your last legs and suffering from some terminal disease. It is the same with boiling lobsters. Except that lobsters are not loving family pets or elderly family members. The major problem with tossing them alive into a pot of scalding boiling water is they will sometimes freak out and start making strange noises. This is why all critters to be executed must be calmed before execution can take place. They may freak out and begin flopping, kicking, thrashing and flipping around and this can be very disconcerting to the executioner. They have sometimes been known to jump out of the death chamber pot. So, if you are ever asked how you did kill the lobsters, just state “we executed the live lobsters by boiling them to death.” If all this sounds too cruel or gruesome, you could stick them in the freezer for 15-20 minutes and freeze them to death. Frozen lobsters go into the pot a whole lot easier. So, go out during mini lobster season, enjoy being with family and friends, have a great time, catch your limit, take your catch home and enjoy your delicious boiled lobsters.

Picking up road kill (flat meat) is a good way to get fresh, wild, totally free-range and organic meat for absolutely free. When you find road kill you should try to determine if it is edible or not. If you saw the animal get hit then it’s obviously fit to eat (although you may have to put it out of its misery). You should slit it’s throat to bleed it our as soon as possible. As discharging firearms in the Great White Heron Preserve is strictly prohibited, a baseball bat is the best weapon to club the poor dying critter to death. If the critter is flattened into a pancake in the middle of the highway then it’s probably best to leave it. Most of the time (not always), good ones will be sitting off the road or in a median where they aren’t constantly being pulverized by passing tourists with their motor homes.

Sometimes it can be hard to determine how fresh a carcass is. A lot of factors can contribute to how fast the meat spoils, especially temperature. Obviously, road kill will stay fresher longer in colder weather and spoil faster in warmer weather. It’s best to go case by case and follow your instincts. If it is covered in flies or maggots or other insects it’s probably no good. If it smells like rotting flesh it’s probably spoiled, although it is common for dead animals’ bowels to release excrement or gas upon impact or when you move the carcass. If its eyes are clouded over white it’s probably not too fresh (though likely still edible). If it’s completely mangled, it’s probably not worth the effort. Rigor mortis (when the animal stiffens) sets in pretty quickly. Most of the animals I’ve eaten have been stiff. There’s no reason to assume the animal is spoiled just because it’s stiff.

One of the most severe risks of road kill is rabies. In order to assure your safety from this deadly serious brain inflammation, you may want to use rubber gloves, drink large amounts of beer and smoke some more weed when gutting and skinning any warm-blooded animal. If you don’t feel the need to exercise this absolute caution, at least make sure you don’t have any open wounds on your hands or skin that touches the animal. Road kill, that is not dead yet is usually safe from rabies because it dies off quickly when you club it to death. Also, rabies will cook out of the carcass. Generally speaking, boiling the animal first (rather than just grilling it) is a good idea, especially if it’s a notorious rabies carrier like raccoons and dogs.

So, save your food stamps for other staples, get on your bike and start cruising the keys for tonight’s feast. Try to find some splat and splatter delights, fresh off the bumper.

 

 

I had a very large problem with those millipedes. Hundreds of them invaded my house and garage and they had made my household unmanageable. I tried everything I could to get rid of them; I called Untruly Dolan, Dorkin and every pest control company listed in the Yellow pages. No luck. Then I contacted Lunatics Anonymous and they had the solution to my problem. They suggested that I follow the steps listed in their program; my millipede problem would just go away. They told me, from their past experience, that this and this alone was the only 3 step program for worm control that would work. So I decided, what the hell, why not try it. Step #1 – go out and catch about 12 large black snakes, average length of 2 1/2 feet works best. This snake, sometimes called the rat snake, is a non venomous snake. Although this particular snake is classified as 'non venomous' their bite is very painful, and should be avoided. The black snake feeds by suffocating its prey, then swallowing it whole. Black snakes hunt small critters like kittens, rats, worms, birds and mice. Step #2 – place the snakes inside you house and let them lose. Step #3 – sit back and do nothing. Your millipede problem would just go away. It works if you really believe in this three step program. I would like to add a few thoughts about my experience with this program. Three of the snakes died. One died from being bitten by an old scorpion, one was stomped to death by a visitor to my house, who didn’t know about my 3 step snake program and the third one was intentionally killed by my girlfriend who boiled it down to make snake oil. Also, each night before you go to bed it would be wise to pull back the sheets to make sure there are no stray snakes in your bed.

The Monroe County Tourist Development Council (TDC) only received 27 million for its 2010 budget. How can tourism survive on such a small pittance? All those TV ads, videos and brochures they produce must cost a few big bucks.  I’m sure no one is milking the money tit dry with their overpaid paid jobs and tax payer paid benefits. The Keys are probably an easy sell as the Florida Keys are like a found and forever lost paradise. Great weather year round, hurricanes and evacuations included, beautiful polluted pristine beaches, great overly priced restaurants, not so friendly foreign speaking wait staff, highly unreasonable luxury accommodations, a great divorce rate, no financial fraud, unrealistic real estate prices, zero foreclosures, up front politics and low life employment opportunities. But all is not wine and sunshine in the Keys. There are those nasty little Lyme ticks from the diseased key deer that can kill you. What about the 20 pound Gambian rats running around? How about the lovely iguanas that eat all your plants? What about those recently relocated deadly Lion fish, quickly becoming the Lion King of the ocean? The Malagasy ducks that s**t all over your dock. Then there are the pork sandwich pigs that can give you a deadly dose of Swine flu. Those pesky biting skeeters that we spend millions to control that carry the dengue plague. How about those 8 foot pythons that are migrating south faster than the illegal workers coming from overseas? Why is it that none of the truth about living in paradise while being under taxed and overpaid isn’t advertised by the TDC? (Thieves Don’t Complain)

Now we have the Eastern Diamondback rattlesnake to contend with. It is the most dangerous venomous snake in North America. To many people, the only good snake is a dead snake. A better truism has never been spoken.  This is not the typical type of female snake that that you usually see sitting on a bar stool at the local tiki bar. It is true that the diamondback is a highly venomous snake that can give a deadly bite. This pit viper delivers enough venom in one bite to kill three average weight adult humans or one overweight female waitress. Hopefully your small child doesn’t play out in your weed infested overgrown yard where these deadly cold blooded child killers like to sunbath. A rattle snake will only bite for two reasons: fear or food. So, whatever you do, don’t piss off the snake or try hand feeding it.

A mature rattlesnake can live for 10 to 20 years and grow to 6 feet and weigh about 15 pounds. With long sharp piercing fangs and big venom glands, it can inject a huge amount of venom deep into its victims. You have only a 30% survival rate if bitten or you could die within 8 hours from sitting in the waiting room if go to the Florida Memorial hospital. Being bit by one of these not so friendly snakes is best described as instant pain "like two hot hypodermic needles," and causes spontaneous bleeding from the bite site, intense internal pain, bleeding from the mouth, vomiting, hypotension and a weak pulse, swelling and discoloration of the affected limb and associated severe pain followed by death if untreated. No worries here. You might want to think twice before you go skinny dipping at night in your polluted canal, the blue hole or in your outdoor heated pool as rattlesnakes are known to be excellent swimmers.

Ann Kill More of the National Snake refuge stated to Kander Bluff of Lunatics Anonymous that the recent increase in the rattlesnake population is actually a good thing from a biological stand point because snakes help control the smaller critters and birds. She implied that the large diamondbacks eat a regular diet of small puppies, kittens, young chickens, small endangered marsh rabbits and fledgling bald eagles. This keeps the Animal Rescue Death League from having to execute these lovely critters after they are captured. 

Officer Dopey of the Florida Wild Snake commission recommends that you call him if you find a rattlesnake in your soon to be foreclosed house and he will catch it and have it relocated. Is Dopey nuts or what? You should take out your high power iguana/chicken killing pellet gun and shoot the snake dead. One quick head shot works the best. If you want to watch if suffer for awhile, shoot it about 3 inches behind the head. Try for a clean spine shot. The spine will be shattered and the dying snake might roll around for about ½ hour before the cosmic snake God takes it up to heaven. You can have a great photo op here. Remember, you now have really pissed of the dying snake so don’t attempt to hand feed it and the only good snake is a dead snake.

Some of these deadly pit viper snakes will soon become the victim of yellow center line road kills, and indiscriminate assassination by enlightened educated local yokels’. The dead pit viper can added to the menu for your next crock pot road kill feast.

 

Wetstock 2009. Lots of great photos. Lots of happy faces. Lots of beer. Lots of people and pets. (females included) Looks like about 400 people and pets attended during the course of the day. 400 people all drinking and having a great time. That equates to about 75.3 gallons of urine and 40.8 pounds of feces, not including what the pets left behind. I thought I saw a few turds floating around. The water in some of the photos seems to have a yellowish tint. There doesn’t seem to be a port-a-crapper anywhere in the photos. Maybe they were just to the left or right of the people and pets in the water. Or maybe there weren’t any. In that case every one must have had a great time in the water. Doesn’t seem to be the kind of event where you could meet a sober person, with a job and without a staph infection. Hopefully Shit Stop 2010 will be bigger and better next year.

LUNATICS ANONYMOUS: A VISION FOR YOU. A future member of Lunatics Anonymous stared glassily at the 2 strangers beside his bed. "Who are you fellows, and why this private room? I was always in an insane ward before." They grinned, which he didn't like so much as he thought they were lunatics. Said one of the visitors, "We're giving you a treatment for lunacy." Hopelessness was written large on the man's face as he replied, "Oh, but that's no use. Nothing would fix me. I'm a goner. The last three times, I went insane on the way home from here. I'm afraid to go out the door. I can't understand it." Asked one of the visitors, "Can you move your right hand?" With a puzzled look on his face, the man tried it, and discovered that he could. Asked one of the visitors, as he offered a glass to the man, "Can you pick this up with your right hand, and put it to your mouth?" The man tried it. "Why, yes, I can," said the man. One of the visitors filled the glass with whiskey, and handed it to the man, and asked, "Can you use your right hand to lift this glass to your mouth, and drink all of this?" The man discovered that he could. One of the visitors filled the glass with whiskey again, and handed it to the man, and asked, "Can you use your left hand to lift this glass to your mouth, and drink all of this?" The man discovered that he could do that, too. Said one of the visitors, "That explains it. That is what is happening to you on the way home from here. At least one of your hands is lifting glasses of whiskey to your mouth, and you are drinking the whiskey. That is why you are getting drunk." Said the man, "This is amazing. No one has ever been able to explain it to me so clearly before. I want to join your religious cult right now." The visitors thought they noticed something different about him already. He had begun to have a spiritual experience. They wanted to record this miracle for the world of lunatics to see. Both visitors went home, put on their best suits and returned to the lunatic’s bedside with a big box camera and a powder flash bar to record this miracle of recovery from lunacy. The two visitors gave the man in the bed a few more shots of whiskey and a large dose of belladonna. The photographer set up his camera, the two visitors smiled as they had finally found a true lunatic that would finally take the bait after culling several hundred other lunatics. The not so candid photo was taken and Lunatics Anonymous started.

A tourist center with a petting farm for the Key Deer would be a great idea for increased tourism. Think of the possibilities. There are numerous locations available that would not impact traffic. The old Scotties location would be ideal. If all the key Deer were rounded up, this could be a yearly rodeo event. The name of this annual event could be “Ride Your Favorite Dear”. The deer could be put on display and there would be no need to have a Key Deer Refuge Center.   The underpasses on US1 could be torn down. The 246 warning signs protecting the deer could be removed from US1 and that would decrease the vision pollution on Big Time Key. Some of the signs could be replaced with signs protecting the local habitants.  After the yearly round up there could be a culling of the herd and the fresh meat could be used at the 1^st annual Key Dear cook off.  There could be live interactive events watching the mating and inbreeding of the herd. There could be field trips from the local schools where procreation could be explained. There could also be live displays of iguanas, Gambian rats and now the invasive pythons. The Lower Keys residents will no longer have to shoot the iguanas.  They could be captured live and brought to the petting farm. Then the iguanas along with the rats could be feed live to the pythons. There could be parking meters to generate more revenue. There could be a gift shop where locals and tourists could mingle together buying real snake skin sandals and belts. Gun racks and beer can holders made from deer hoofs and ears. Back scratchers made from the Gambian rat claws. Jewelry made from deer bones and teeth. Bikinis could be hand make from deer skin. This could create numerous employment opportunities for some of the locals and the numerous illegal workers. Probably get TDC funding for national advertizing. And we all could live together in better harmony with Mother earth and her loving creatures.

The photo on the left shows how to grill your meal over mangrove coals and the photo on the right is baby grill ready iquanas. A reptile that lives side-by-side with man is the iguana. Eating iguana is every day food fair in the Caribbean islands and other places where protein has been hard to come by at times. As with chickens, iguanas can be vectors for disease, so you need to take care. Numerous flattened iguana carcasses are seen on a daily bases lying on the sides of the roads just waiting to be taken home and placed into the crock pot or on the grill. A quick single shot to the head with a pellet rifle is the approved humane way to murder them if they are only wounded.  Once you get a hold of a delightful, juicy and clean young dead iguana, they reportedly taste good in a simple peanut sauce or just roasted over open coals. It is easy to make a grill out of an abandoned Winn Dixie shopping cart.

Don’t bring home any dead manatee. They rot too fast in these warm pristine waters. Actually you should not bring home anything you find floating in the ocean. My girlfriend recently brought home a badly decomposed loggerhead turtle and it smelled worse than rotten local politics. I politely told her that if it smelled like fish and tasted like fish that I would refuse to eat with her.

I have already tasted Ibis, Rosette Spoon bills and Pink flamingos and to tell you truth they are not worth killing to eat. They really don’t have enough meat on them after they are boiled to be defeathered and butchered. I would have to kill 6 or 8 Rosette Spoon bills for a dinner for 2. It’s Hardly worth the cost of the bullets. I refer stewed blood with deer balls or stir fried cat with natural brown maggots. I have tasted the chicken dishes in the local Chinese restaurants and it doesn’t taste any different from the road kill cats that I cook at home.

While there isn’t as much traffic as there used to be, but we can still count on the tourists racing down the roads at break neck high speeds and leaving behind lots of fresh road killed edibles in their wake. When racing around looking for the freshest road kills make sure you wear your seat belt. You know the saying “click it or ticket” and we certainly don’t want to break any laws or attract law enforcement attention to this new source of food. This is where road kill recipes come in handy. You'd be surprised how many of these you can find – yahoo returns 193,000 hits for the phrase! That's a whole new world of stews, kabobs, roasts, pot pie and chili just waiting to be plucked off the road.

It'll take some adjusting on your part and that 'gamey' flavor coming through your pores that might over power the stench of the seeping alcohol. This may not be so attractive or pleasant, but when you've managed to survive one more day evading the local taxing politicians in your soon to be repossessed home, you'll be glad you have all the fresh road kill flat meat you can eat.

 

 

 

It is estimated that every day about 250,000 animals get killed by cars on American roads. That’s over a hundred million road kill victims each year. Sounds like a lot of free food, doesn’t it? Covert that to pounds of fresh edibles and the number is staggering. That’s a lot of free splat and spatter food fresh of the bumper for the ‘Meals by Wheels” food program that started just after the ‘Cash for Hags” and ‘Switch a Bitch’ nationalist social rebate programs in late 2009. 

I have become an enthusiastic promoter of the road kill program “meals by wheels” and work hard to spread information and the skills to empower other people to tap into this huge available food supply. I have started a delivery service for my hot fresh flat meat meals and squashed deer jerky.  I do a good amount of traveling on the do-it-yourself skill sharing circuit in the Lower Keys. Teaching people how to judge the edibility of double yellow center line yummies found on the animal highway supermarket and guiding them through the pleasure of skinning and cleaning the deceased animal.  At the 2008 gathering at the Lunatics Anonymous convention, one of the most memorable events was the hands-on road kill workshop, in which we learned about the cleaning, skinning, and butchering of road kill animals. One of the Lunatics brought a fresh road killed bald eagle with her, another road kill enthusiast, brought a large dead black snake he had found while he was biking to the gathering. People enthusiastically took front-row seats to see these animals get gutted and skinned. Some people shuddered in horror, had to look away or otherwise expressed their squeamishness. But most people watched quietly, fascinated as I de-feathered and quartered the bald eagle and my girlfriend skinned the large black snake. My girlfriend and I prepared the poultry and snake in a nice presentation and the attendees commented on how truly delicious it was, if they didn’t think about eating bald eagle and black snake fresh off the road.  I also showed them how to make a deluxe Winn Dixie barbeque grill out of any abandoned metal shopping cart. Why waste your O-Banana bucks for a grill when you can find abandoned shopping carts all over the islands.

Road kill has been a source of food for poor people since there have been cars. Eating road kill generally has a pejorative classist connotation, epitomizing ignorant Appalachian Mountain Americans (hillbillies) behavior. Now I and other enthusiasts are embracing road kill with a political ideology, rejecting the values of consumer culture by “transforming dishonored victims of the automobile age into food which nourishes, and clothing which warms.”

Dr. Kander Bluff of Lunatics Anonymous will soon have a limited edition deer skin bound, road kill cook book on the market called the ‘Bluff-Kins Diet’ and co-authored by Ann Kill More. Both women will periodically be in front of key deer refuge center on Big Sham key to do book signings. Some sample recipes of the 200 listed in the book: deer butt sausage, grilled fawn burgers, lower keys doe cakes,  pan seared deer liver, pickled deer hooves, doe maggotini, A1-A road kill stew, flaming fawn flanks, doe droppings chili, deer splat-kebabs and the young buck stopped here pepper steak.

The next time you're driving down the highway supermarket and you feel a hard thud against the bumper, don't get upset. Get out of the car and start thinking up a great recipe! A word of caution: watch out for imbedded road gravel in the meat while washing down your free road killed key deer feast with a few beers.

 

I was driving around at sunrise on No Name key in the area of the soon to be constructed nude beach and came across an inbred key deer that had been recently hit by a vehicle. No, I didn’t intentionally hit it. No fraudulent insurance claim here like with my stolen lower unit. This accident was just plain old road kill or should that be changed to car kill whereas the road didn’t kill the young buck. The buck was still twitching, thrashing around, making weird noises and I could clearly see its little heart rapidly beating. It looked a lot like the cute deer in the Disney flick “Bimbo”. It was in bad shape and looked like it was dying as it was bleeding out of both ears. Rather than let the young buck suffer for hours, while waiting for the proper authorities to arrive as I did with the sea turtle hatchlings and being the loving Christian that I am, I slit the deer’s throat. This is considered a mercy killing, blessed be the Lord. After it bled out I placed it into the trunk of my car. I could not see leaving it there for the vultures and maggots to feast on or to rot and start stinking up the neighborhood. I field dressed the deer as soon as I got it home. Later that morning I butchered the deer into edible size portions. Then I discretely dumped the carcass and bones into the canal last night with a couple of iguanas that I shot the day before. I saved the head, with a full 6 point rack, to have it mounted as a trophy and the hoofs to make a wall mounted pellet gun rack. I know that the meat that was damaged from my vehicle impact is not good to eat. Of course, I feel a little odd eating fresh road kill as I am a true vegan. You do what you have to in tough times like these. I’m eating meat that would normally be thrown into the land fill, so it’s good for the environment. Wild venison is leaner (deer don't sit on big farms eating corn), healthier (no injected hormones here!), tastier (there is no such thing as "gamey" meat), and I got it for nothing. I now have it portioned, packaged and chilled and was wondering if anyone out there has a good recipe for deer steaks, rumps, roasts and ribs. I already cooked up some of the sausage and it could use a little more spice. It should go well with a robust full bodied red wine. If anyone would be interested in the skin I would be willing to sell it cheap. Kanderbluff@yahoo.com Cash only, no checks. I have already brushed out the sand spurs, tics, fleas and lice from its fur. It would make a nice comforter for a baby’s crib and it’s about the right size.

I find it humorous that the last name of the manager of the Key Deer refuge is Morkill.  There must be some type of job security with a name like that. Morkill is like “kill more” road kill so she can have a job with all the benefits sucking on the federal government tit. I called the refuge to ask some questions about disposal of road kill. After pressing 2 for something and 1 for nothing I finally got another recorded message with a cell number for the person on call that responds to calls for injured or dead key deer. At least the call didn’t get forwarded to India. The phone was answered on the second ring. I guess the person working was bored from sitting on their federal funded ass and was hoping for a fresh bumper splat and splatter to give them something to do.

I asked how the refuge disposed of the 75 plus road kills a year. He stated that they just throw them in the woods and let the buzzards and nature take its course. He also stated that if they have some type of disease, like a brain abscess they are dumped in another spot with the rest of the diseased deer. ????  How would they know that the deer had a brain abscess???? He said that if they were injured there would be have to be a cost analyst done to see if it was cost effective to save the deer. Let’s say the deer had a broken hip. Remember deer don’t have Medicaid. You and I, the tax payers are paying for this shit. He said that if the deer was seriously injured they would have to put the deer down, like they do with race horses. Is putting a deer down the same as execution?  How do they put deer down? One quick 30 cal rifle shot between the eyes, who knows, maybe I should have asked. I wondered what the dollar expenditure would have to exceed to have the deer put down. This sounds a lot like the O-Banana death squad for the elderly under the new socialist national health plan.  I hope I don’t accidentally break a hip and have to be shot in the head like a race horse because it is cost effective.

If the number 75 plus represents the number of road kills per year, what is the total number of deaths including the ones that the federal employees humanly executed?  In the states that have large deer herds they have a hunting season to cull the herds. In the keys they extort land from the owners so the herd will have more range to feed and breed. Some day there will be no more land available to be extorted and as the herd continues to over breed, there will have to be hunting season. A good quality pellet rifle will drop a chicken or iguana with one clean shot to the head. The only legal way at this time to drop the invasive deer is with an intentional high speed vehicle impact. Road kill is the only way that the deer herd is currently culled. They have even relocated deer to Cudjoe Key since the Big Crime Key area population of diseased deer has past its carrying capacity sustainable limit. They have spent millions of our dollars on underpasses, fences and blinking signs for the deer, but the number of road kills has not decreased, it actually increased. I saw some buzzards on Blimp road feeding on a deer carcass that might have been thrown in the woods by the refuge employees to let the buzzards and nature take its course. Soon there will be as many free range deer as there are chickens. More deer, more road kill, more flat meat for us human carnivores. Call the Nationalist Refuge center 305-872-0774 and ask for Morkill if you have any concerns.

 

 

LUNATICS ANONYMOUS: There seems to be some confusion as to exactly how DR. Kander Bluff can have a half twin sister named Candid Bluff. Let me please try to clarify that. Kander and Candid had a mother named Lois. Last names will not be used to protect their anonymity. Lois had 2, yes 2 husbands. It has been suggested that Lois had sexual relations with both husbands, at different times, on the same night. Their names were Peter & Dick. Dick was first and Peter came second. Peter and Dick were half cousins. Kander, Candid, Peter & Dick are certified members of the now defunct HBSEA-Half Brothers Sexual Experiences Anonymous. Lois became pregnant on that eventful night.  Lois was NOT a member of HBSEA. Lois did not know she was having twins. It is not very clear which of the two sisters was born first. She was only supposed to have one baby. After the first baby was born the Doctor (NoBo) and his staff started to go home but to everyone’s surprise the second baby started on its journey down the birth canal into this world. There was such confusion in the delivery room that no one could remember which baby was born first. Was it Kander first or Candid first. No one was ever sure but, that is really not the point here. DNA testing was done on the mother. Positive 100% DNA match. DNA was done on Peter and Dick; both tested 100% as to their own DNA, which of course were completely different. DNA was done on Kander and Candid. Each had only a 50% match of the natural mother and each had a 50% match to each father. To make this clearer as DNA, like L.A. is never wrong. Kander and Candid had 50% of their Mothers DNA and only 25% of Peters DNA and 25% of Dicks DNA. That only totals to 75% DNA for each baby. Where is the other 25%? It has been stated that Lois had sexual relations with her third uncle, Dr. NoBo on the night before she had sex with her two husbands Dick and Peter. Dr. NoBo has not been located at this time. Dr. NoBo is now a current member of Lunatics Anonymous and will be returning to the Keys to help start up the new center for Lunatics Anonymous on Big Time Key, hopefully at the old Scotty’s location. Dr. K. Bluff and Dr. C. Bluff will get a DNA sample from Dr. NoBo, by force if necessary, to clear this matter up. Hope this clarifies this matter for you.

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  LUNATICS ANONYMOUS: SOBRIETY ON BIG TIME KEY.

I have been sober for two years today. You’re not sober, you’re just abstinent. OK, I’m just abstinent, not sober and I haven’t had a drink for two years. You might be abstinent but, you’re not sober. You’re just a dry drunk. OK, I’m just a sober dry drunk. No, you’re not sober. OK, I’m just an abstinent dry drunk. You might be dry but, you don’t have sobriety. I thought I was sober. You might be sober but, you don’t have good sobriety. Is there a difference? Yes, there is. There is abstinent sobriety but, you have bad sobriety. What, I have bad sobriety? Yes, because you are not in recovery. I thought I was in recovery whereas I haven’t had a drink in two years. You’re not in recovery, you are only around recovery. You never recover. I thought that because I’m in recovery that I was sober. No, you never recover, you’re just abstinent. But, I attend A.A. every day. That doesn’t matter because, you are only around A.A., and you’re not in A.A. But, I’m in the program. Yes, you’re in the program but, you’re not working a good program. OK, I’m only around A.A., working a bad program and not sober. But, I am working the 12 steps. No, you only think you are working the steps. I thought if I was abstinent and attending A.A. that I was in recovery.  No, that’s your problem, you only thought you were sober. I thought that I had good sobriety as I was attending A.A. That’s another problem you have. You’re thinking, when you were told to sit down, take the cotton out of your ears and put it in your mouth. But, I can’t talk with the cotton in my mouth. That’s good, because you don’t know what you are talking about, just sit there for 90 days and don’t talk or think. But, I think I am sober. No, you’re just not drinking, you don’t have quality sobriety. What, there is good sobriety and bad sobriety and now quality sobriety? Yes there is and you don’t have either or. You’re just a dry drunk. How can I be drunk if I’m sober? I told you that you’re not sober, you’re just not drinking. OK, F**K this bullshit, I think I’ll go and have a couple of double shots.

Christians have long honored the principle of murdering their opponents. The word, it seems, came from the very top. Apparently Jesus himself said: "But those mine enemies, which would not that I should reign over them, bring hither, and slay them before me." – Luke 19.27

The Christian Heaven may have been a vain folly but the Christian Hell was real enough. For more than a thousand years sadists in the name of Christ terrorized and brutalized a continent and then exported that terror to the four corners of the globe. The Church, which, with a satanic twist of humor, claimed to be the instrument of 'Christ's loving kindness' , taught a brutalized and impoverished people new meanings to the words incarceration, starvation, psychological torment and terror, laceration, mutilation, strangulation, suffocation, crushing, choking, burning, garroting and all with a very slow agonizing death.

The Pope's Pears: Also called the pear of confession was sharpened at the tip, fat in the middle and affixed with a crank type screw, it can be shoved into a human orifice. The torturer turns the screw, widening & stretching the organ until such time that the organ is stretched beyond its elasticity: Rupture occurs, and death inevitably ensues from a tremendous loss of blood. Depending on the whims of the torturer, the Pope's Pear can be widened as slowly as possible to prolong pain.

The vaginal pear was used on woman who had sex with the Devil or his familiars. The rectal pear was used on passive male homosexuals and the oral pear was used on heretical preachers or lay persons found guilty of unorthodox practices. The pointed ends of the 'leaves' were good for ripping the throat, breasts, intestines or cervix open. A few more God loving Christian torture devices: Judas cradle, Iron spider, Stapado, Cat’s paw, Slow burn and the Holy Trinity. When a sinner had "blasphemed the holy name of god", or when he had perhaps told some truth about the local priest, it was customary to apply the holy trinity. The Iron mask was heated in an open fire until red hot, then put upon the sinners head. The scourge, also red hot, was then applied to his back. After the mask had cooled, it was removed from the sinner, taking skin (and usually eyeballs) with it. Red hot pincers were used to slice the prisoner's tongue, nipples, ears, nose, and genitals. ‘Christ’s loving kindness’ And that’s the way it is. Good night. Kander Bluff, Lunatics Anonymous.

 

 

[Religious cult Alcoholics Anonymous] I would like to ask this poster if he is lucid? What makes AA a religious cult group? The meetings I have attended included Christians, Jews, Muslims, Hindus, atheists and agnostics. The only religion (and now I refer to the Latin root religio meaning, to bind) I saw was the shared desire of attendees to stop drinking or using drugs.

[Religious cult Alcoholics Anonymous] Lucid, yes I am very lucid. I don’t think you are if you believe the bullshit dogma that AA preaches. With a success rate of less than 3 attendees out of 100 during their first year of attendance is worse than the death rate of the Bataan death march. That is why common sense would tell you the AA is total bullshit. Just exactly where in the AA literature does it tell you how to stop drinking and drugging? The only mention of alcohol is in step 1 where you admitted you were powerless over alcohol. That’s it. The remainder of the 12 steps is just a lot of mumbo jumbo, blah-blah-blah, and hog wash leading you towards being a converted Christian. Try saying “I’m Kander, an alcoholic and I’m a Buddhist” at a meeting and see what happens. This follows along the lines of the 5 C’s of conversion from the original religious Oxford Group. The big book (page 64) also states that liquor is only a symptom of your disease. The Big Book tells you that you have a moral sin disease. So, if you just quit having low morals and stop sinning, confess, take inventories of your defects of character, make amends, turn your will over to God, God will lift the burden of drink from you. More AA bullshit. God doesn’t pour liquor down your throat or inject you with drugs. You did it to yourself. Saying you have a disease that you inherited from your family gene pool is just a cop out for you being such a low life. Get off the pity potty. And that’s how it is.

 

 

If you are powerless over alcohol (ALOCHOLICS ANONYMOUS) you would be powerless over every thing. And if you are drunk of course your life is unmanageable, stop drinking and getting drunk. You do have a choice and the choice is yours. The AA cult lets you pick an AA God of your misunderstanding. If there is a God it is not Bill Wilson, nor does God think he is Wacko Wilson . In AA you can come to believe that a power greater than yourself can return you to sanity. You can come to believe that you can fly but, you can not. If you pick the bat tower to be your AA God, you can pray to the bat tower until the bats come home and it will do you no good. If you were truly mentally insane you should be in an insane asylum. I guess AA is close enough. If you turn your will and your life over to the bat tower, how can you do the rest of the steps? Remember you have no will, you gave it away. What if your AA God doesn’t want your free will back? You’re screwed. It blows the whole program. You were born with free will, start using it. Why take a moral inventory. Your cosmic sky wizard AA God sitting inside the bat tower already knows everything about you. Why admit to yourself, the bat tower, and to some other ass-aholic what a misguided, disgusting sinner that you are. Remember you have a moral sin disease which has nothing to do with drinking. If the bat tower is ready to remove your character defects, why did he give them to you in the first place?  What if the bat tower says NO? Maybe your bat tower AA god wants you to be a drunk. Make all the lists that you want, keep praying and meditating to improve your conscious contact to the bat tower.  After you have your spiritual awakening, you can carry this message to the rest of the drunks, so they too can practice these principles in all their affairs, if they want to listen to this bullshit. It’s nice to think that AA has saved thousands of people from an alcoholic death. AA converts only 3 out of 100 to this pagan cult. Does AA just let the other 97 non-believers die? Yes it does. Doesn’t your bat tower AA God love them also? After you have died, what do you do? Fly around with the rest of the batty bats in wacko willy world.