Picking up road kill (flat meat) is a good way to get fresh, wild, totally free-range and organic meat for absolutely free. When you find road kill you should try to determine if it is edible or not. If you saw the animal get hit then it’s obviously fit to eat (although you may have to put it out of its misery). You should slit it’s throat to bleed it our as soon as possible. As discharging firearms in the Great White Heron Preserve is strictly prohibited, a baseball bat is the best weapon to club the poor dying critter to death. If the critter is flattened into a pancake in the middle of the highway then it’s probably best to leave it. Most of the time (not always), good ones will be sitting off the road or in a median where they aren’t constantly being pulverized by passing tourists with their motor homes.

Sometimes it can be hard to determine how fresh a carcass is. A lot of factors can contribute to how fast the meat spoils, especially temperature. Obviously, road kill will stay fresher longer in colder weather and spoil faster in warmer weather. It’s best to go case by case and follow your instincts. If it is covered in flies or maggots or other insects it’s probably no good. If it smells like rotting flesh it’s probably spoiled, although it is common for dead animals’ bowels to release excrement or gas upon impact or when you move the carcass. If its eyes are clouded over white it’s probably not too fresh (though likely still edible). If it’s completely mangled, it’s probably not worth the effort. Rigor mortis (when the animal stiffens) sets in pretty quickly. Most of the animals I’ve eaten have been stiff. There’s no reason to assume the animal is spoiled just because it’s stiff.

One of the most severe risks of road kill is rabies. In order to assure your safety from this deadly serious brain inflammation, you may want to use rubber gloves, drink large amounts of beer and smoke some more weed when gutting and skinning any warm-blooded animal. If you don’t feel the need to exercise this absolute caution, at least make sure you don’t have any open wounds on your hands or skin that touches the animal. Road kill, that is not dead yet is usually safe from rabies because it dies off quickly when you club it to death. Also, rabies will cook out of the carcass. Generally speaking, boiling the animal first (rather than just grilling it) is a good idea, especially if it’s a notorious rabies carrier like raccoons and dogs.

So, save your food stamps for other staples, get on your bike and start cruising the keys for tonight’s feast. Try to find some splat and splatter delights, fresh off the bumper.