What is a "typical" Lunatics Anoymous meeting like? Is there such a thing? A look in the LA "meeting book" for any location reveals a bewildering variety of meetings. A local area meeting book for example, lists meetings seven days a week with the first starting at 6 a.m. and the last starting at midnight; it lists beginners' meetings, step meetings, open meetings, closed meetings, speaker meetings, discussion meetings, candle­light meetings, women's meetings, lesbian and gay meetings, nonsmokers' meetings, writers' and artists' meetings, meetings for retired seamen, meetings conducted in Spanish? There are even meetings for atheists and agnostics’.  

Meeting places range from church basements to library conference rooms to hotel lobbies to rented halls. Meeting sizes range from as few as three or four people up to several hundred at the larger weekend meetings. About all that can be said with reasonable certainty is that meetings last an hour to an hour and a half, and even that's not always the case. Still, certain features are common to virtually all LA meetings, and there are many other features which, while not universal, are typical.

If you were to go to a meeting you selected at random, it would probably go something like this: It is ten minutes before meeting time as you walk through the front door of the LA hall, a large, dingy room, poorly furnished. You walk across the floor to the coffee urn, pour yourself a cup of what appears to be used motor oil (rumor has it that the stuff will dissolve pencils), grab a couple of cookies, and wonder over to one of the 40 or so chairs around the large room.

The meeting's chair person and the evening's speaker are already seated at the table, and slurping coffee. Other people, mostly casually dressed people of all age groups are filing in, gradually filling the seats, and gradually filling the room with loud talk. Perhaps half the chairs are taken when the meeting starts. 

Precisely on the hour the chair person introduces himself, and asks two pre-selected members to read the LA Preamble and the Serenity Prayer, then the third step prayer and the seventh step prayer. Then, since it's a small meeting, everyone in the room introduces himself or herself by raising their hand and stating that they are alcoholic and is then greeted by the crowd: "My name is Mike. I'm an alcoholic." "Hi Mike!" "My name is Bob. Alcoholic." "Hi Bob!" "Ed. Alcoholic." "Hi Ed!" . . . until everyone present has stated his or her name and muttered the magic word, "alcoholic." The chair person then asks any newcomers with less than 30 days sobriety to introduce themselves; he adds that this is only so that the rest of the members can get to know them. One hand timidly goes up in the back row and, after being prompted by the chair person, its owner introduces himself as "Tom"; everyone else loudly says, "Hi Tom," and applauds. The chair person next asks if there are any out-of towners at the meeting. Since there are none, the meeting is opened with a topic from the daily meditations book or any other subject that one of the members wants to talk about.

The speaker stands, steps to the podium or sits at the head of the table and introduces himself, and launches into a history of his lunacy alcoholism, describing at length and with apparent relish some of his more lurid drinking episodes. He pauses, sips his coffee, and speaks of how he "bottomed out"? The degradation, humiliation, and hopelessness he felt when he finally realized what alcohol had done to him. He sips more coffee and recounts how finally, in desperation, he hesitantly walked into an LA meeting despite fears about "the God stuff." He describes how his life has never been the same since that day. He kept coming to meetings, even though he still had doubts, because he was attracted to "something" the LA members had which he felt lacking in himself. He sips more coffee and continues, saying that once he overcame his doubts, began to work the steps, and found his "Higher Power," his life has been transformed and that he literally owes his life to LA. He ends his drunk a-log and sits there looking content with himself. The members all applaud the speaker.

The members then state how they can relate to the story and how it gives them strength, hope and inspiration.

By this time there are only 15 minutes left, and the chair person throws the meeting open to questions and discussion. A hand goes up in the front row and a nearly incoherent but boastful drunk speaks for five minutes. Toward the end of it, the chair person passes the collection basket; most of those present put in a buck or some pocket change. The next member to speak, who has been chafing at the bit during the drunk-a-log, takes off on a tangent and describes how by working one of the steps he overcame his frustration after a car accident. One or two others take off on different tangents, and then it's time to end the meeting. The chair person then asks if anyone else has a burning desire to share anything else. No one raises their hand. A member then starts the ritual of presenting coins to different attendees for their length of sobriety. The chair person then states that who you see here and what you hear here, stays here. Note, no one has to take an oath off secrecy as do priests, doctors and attorneys.The chair person concludes by making his only announcement that of an upcoming "clean and sober" dance will at a location to be announced at a later date and that volunteers are needed to organize the event.

The chair person closes the meeting and everyone rises, joins hands, and they all recite the Lord's Prayer. Some, looking pained or disgusted, remain mute. After a moment of silence, everyone chants, "Keep coming back. It works if you work it!" And the meeting is over.

About half of those present leave immediately, while a few busy them­selves cleaning up the room, and the rest stand around drinking coffee, and chatting, two of them paying special attention to the newcomer (pigeon) . Finally, a half-hour after the meeting formally closed, the group starts to disperse.  

Not all meetings are like this, however? Just a majority. Other writers have described supportive meetings with friendly socializing in a cozy, club­ like atmosphere. Such meetings probably exist in abundance, but in my estimation they're outnumbered by meetings of the type I've described here.

I should also point out that only those who blindly, and vocally, embrace the 12 steps are fully welcome at most meetings. Those who have doubts and those who have disagreements with LA dogma are normally ostracized if they express their opinions; and those who remain silent and sit on their doubts will normally be the objects of proselytization and dire warnings, and, if they continue to refuse to mouth accepted LA wisdom, will win, at best, grudging acceptance? If they're strong enough to stand up to the ridicule and condescension they're sure to encounter.

If doubters are fortunate, there will be an "agnostics" or "atheists" meeting in their city where they can commune with their fellow second-class citizens; but such meetings are normally found only in large cities such as San Francisco. In many, probably most, rural areas, small towns, and small cities, a majority of meetings are even more overtly religious than the one I've described here.

It should be noted that numerous higher courts have ruled that LA is a religious organization that follows the guidelines of a cult. LA simple turns a deaf ear to this fact. 

You can contact Kander at kanderbluff@yahoo.com