Up skirt. 12 steps?

LUNATICS ANONYMOUS 12 STEPS. 

We have a suggestion, and this is only a suggestion, for a new free twelve-step program that is the only one that works to help you mentally and physically recover from the evil influences of too many twelve-step recovery group meetings. “You can get more stinkin’ from 12 step LA thinkin’ than you can from drinkin’.” This 8^th wonder of the world is 100% guaranteed, if not completely satisfied we will gladly return your insanity and you can keep the 12 gin sue knives. If you don’t follow these suggestions you will surely relapse, go to jail, an asylum and die. You would then have to give back all the additional gin sue knives that you collected for attending all those meetings. Hopefully you will not be asked to drink the kool-aide. 

Step 1. You may take the first step which leads you towards total disaster and self defeat. Admit that you are powerless over alcohol / narcotics / eating / gambling and all other twelve-step meetings - that your life has become unmanageable as you are extremely confused from too many LA meetings. Also helps you to have low self-esteem, learned helplessness, personal irresponsibility and binge drinking. Keep coming back even if you are not truly practicing the cult rituals while working the program. Just fake it for awhile.  Indoctrination is a slow progressive form of mind control.

Step 2. You may come to believe in the blind faith that only Santa Claus / Tooth Fairy can restore you to sanity if you were really insane. Remember that we are a religious cult, not a spiritual organization. Higher courts have already ruled on this. Step 2 also reinforces individual powerlessness and learned helplessness. Don’t forget that you are insane. Also you must come to believe that the world is flat. Keep coming back and keep saying you are glad to be here.

Step 3. You may make a stupid decision to give all of your problems to Santa Claus / Tooth Fairy, your higher power, as you understand Him, which could be a bridge, bed pan or a motorcycle. If you are not satisfied with the results from your higher power you can change it any time you want, maybe the toilet will do for you what you could not do for yourself. You should intuitively know that this is truly a blind faith and that you might do better just talking to a pile of rocks. So, just give up all that foolishness of individual thought, responsibility, and decision making. Become a brain dead cultist as now you are a functionally stupid idiot.  “Some seem to be more brainwashed then others.” Welcome to the fellowship (cult).

Step 4. You must turn your will and your mind over to the care of Santa Claus / Tooth Fairy. The brains that God gave you were worthless and useless anyway, as you were told not to think in the old 12 step program. This step will help you to feel very guilty; therefore you will have low self-esteem and will help with confession of your sins in the next miracle step.  Keep coming back; it doesn’t work even if you work it.

Step 5. You must make a searching and fearless inventory of your garage. Keep a list of all items found. You will need it later for your yard sale and tax deductions. You won't believe the priceless junk you will find in there. Memorize all the LA cult mantra, dogma and slogans that you can. Confess all your sins to your sponsor, who really is a bothersome busybody, so he can then blab them all over town. Keep coming back over and over and over and over and expecting different results, which is truly insane, because the 12 steps don’t work as evidenced by the high number of cultists that keep relapsing and dying. It’s not really their fault; they seem to have been brain washed by LA.

Step 6. You may confess all your sins to your sponsor who has relapsed so many times that he/she could wall paper his/her living room with white surrender chips, who is an x convict, gossip monger or reformed pedophile, now a con artist, fraud, liar and a transsexual. Put a dollar in the collection basket (just like in church). LA needs the money. They only have $7,000,000.00 in the bank. Do continue to practice the 7 deadly sins. Do as the big fairy tale book suggests and dump your spouse as she is also worthless. Your sponsor will tell you to stop taking your doctor prescribed medications. LA cannot be held responsible if you stop taking your meds and kill yourself. Keep coming back and say you are glad to be here.

Step 7. You must make yourself entirely ready to have Santa Claus / Tooth Fairy fix your character defects. Be prepared if your bed pan flat out tells you NO, he can’t fix a thing for you. You’re told to sleep in your own bed as you made it. You’re told that He has bigger problems on His mind, things like global warming, wars, 1.6 billion Chinese people trying to poison the world, the new American President, the global economy and other such trivial things. Your firmly told not to bother Him anymore with you little bullshit problems. Or you just ask GOD to remove your defects of character and POOF they are gone. You don’t have to do anything, just ask God and your desire to drink, lie, steal, cheat, deceive, whatever, they are gone POOF, POOF, POOF, POOF, POOOOOF… keep coming back. Prove to yourself that you a lazy, useless sloth.

Step 8. You may write a letter to Santa Claus / Tooth Fairy, humbly begging your bed pan and groveling before your motorcycle to remove all of your shortcomings. If you are not sure where to send the letter, just ask your higher power for the proper mailing address to your bed pan manufacturer. Maybe just mail it to the North Pole. Keep following and bowing down to the seven deadly old timers named Grumpy, Greedy, Whiney, Lazy, Snotty, Piggy and Sleazy. Plan on attending lots of funerals because LA kills more people than it saves. That is a fact. The success rate is around 3%. Period.

Step 9. You must make a list of all of the people you have really pissed off, even the ones you only pissed off a little. Buy extra pens and paper. Don’t forget the ones that have already forgotten being upset with whatever you did. Keep an open mind but, not so open that your brains fall out. Keep coming back to make sure you really didn’t leave your brains somewhere else.  You can make a short list as most of the people that you pissed off are either dead or simply don’t want you back in their lives.

Step 10. You may go and really piss off the ones that aren’t dead for the second time. This really could help inflate your low ego. Also pray to your bed pan that they don’t shoot you. Keep coming back, if you are still alive. It works (the cult program) if you come to believe in this insanity. Also you need to put new batteries in your bullshit detector. Fondle, grope and hit on as many of the opposite sex as you can at your LA meetings. You may find a good drinking and drugging buddy for when you surely relapse. It takes a loser to find a loser.

Step 11. You must continue to inventory your garage, and when you find that you are hoarding some really useless junk, promptly admit it and list it on your inventory for your yard sale. See, you really needed the extra pens. You might also want to inventory your liquor cabinet, just in case this new miracle doesn’t work any better than the ranting and raving of the ego maniac, religious freak, con man, snake oil doctor, BILLY  WILLY, the egotistical original 13^th stepper. Remember to say that you are grateful to be a recovering lunatic.

Step 12. You may seek, through your cell phone, to maintain constant contact with Santa Claus, as you understand Him. If you can't get in touch with your bed pan, the bridge or your motor cycle, call a psychic hotline. Do whatever the old timers say. Make the coffee for all the old grouchy drunks; it makes them feel good when the new comer looks up to them for all their experience, strength and hope. You are now exactly where you should be and keep coming back. It really works if you can work this new program. Remember that if you relapse it is not because you didn’t work the program hard enough: it’s because the program doesn’t work. You only graduate when you die while attending all those useless L.A. meetings. Now you are finally dead and you don’t have to come back to L.A. meetings anymore. Amen.

Step 13. This is a free bonus for all the females in LA so you can keep all your gin so knives. Stay away from all the male members of the group. They are there to share their experience, strength and hope with all the female new comers that they can get into their bed. They probably relapsed from Sex-Anonymous and are still practicing the 7 mortal sins.

REMEMBER TO RECRUIT AND INDOCTRINATE INTO LUNATICS ANONYMOUS AS MANY NEW, FINE, WELL BALANCED MEMBERS INTO THE CULT FROM JAILS, ASYLUMS AND MENTAL INSTATUTIONS AS YOU CAN, TO KEEP THEM ON THE RIGHT PATH TO REMAINING WORTHLESS AND LAZY FOR THE REST OF THEIR LIVES.          

You can contact Dr. Kander Bluff 24/7 at:

kanderbluff@yahoo.com